Where I've been

  Have you ever drove by a high school or college campus and said, "wow those kids are young!"  Me too.  I know a lot of you who realize my age are thinking, "yeah ok.. you ARE that age."  Not really though.

  Even though I'm only 20 years old, sometimes I think I have the life experience of a much older and wiser person because even though I'm only 20, I've lived on my own since I was 16, I got married at 18, and am working on having my second baby.   Growing up, my parents weren't really parents.  I'd say the biggest "parental" thing they ever did was conceive and give birth to me.  Because of this I basically grew up without a child hood.  I'm my moms youngest child of 6, so even though I was only 5 or 6 years old at the time she moved with all of us out of my dad's house, I think she must have already considered me to be an adult.  She would sort of just randomly leave at night, expecting my brother and sister to take care of ourselves, my brother being 7 or 8 and my sister 9 or 10.  So, I grew up really fast.  Considering that we lived in an extremely flammable single wide trailer, she's lucky we didn't burn it down while she was gone.   She met my step dad (who would leave her years later for his dead boss' millionaire widow) at a bar one night, and from then on we had a very specific routine.  I'd get home from school.  She'd get home an hour later.  Every once in a while they would cook dinner, then either go outside with a 12 or 24 pack of Busch bear or head to the bar.  I don't remember ever playing a game with my mom, going for a walk, watching a movie unless it was r rated, or going anywhere with her at all.

  I remember all of these things, and then I think about where I am now, as a 20 year old that most people would expect to be on a college campus somewhere partying every night.  I realize just how good my life is.  I have a wonderful  husband, two beautiful babies and a God that provides for my every need.  I grew up with dysfunctional immaturity at it's lamest, why would I want that to be my life.  I will not be 50-something drunk and passed out on my couch with some random moocher guy next to me.  Lincoln and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary, we already have a wonderful family,  and that's my inspiration: where I've been and where I am now.  I guess I can thank my mom for wasting her life so much that it made it impossible for me to even consider missing a single second of mine with my family.  My son and I have a daily routine too.  It involves waking up and playing together, eating meals together, watching Bob the Builder on rainy days, going for walks on sunny ones, going to bed with a night time story and kisses.  All of the things my parents never once did with me.
 
  I guess that's why I was really nervous when I got married young and almost immediately became pregnant because I didn't want to be the type of parent my mom was.  However, when you grow up with dysfunctional parents, you have two choices:  1. accept them as they are and follow in their footsteps or 2.  realize how crazy they are and run from every single decision they are making and have made and actually live your life.  I'm living my life and though I know I still have a lot to learn, I am inspired by that too.  To paraphrase socrates, a wise woman knows she knows nothing.  THAT is such an inspiring way to live life, knowing that you always have something to learn.  With mother's day coming up, I am inspired by my moms example, not in the way that I wish to copy it, but in the way that I want to learn from everything I feel she did wrong, this Sunday and every day.